So maybe I'm not OK

As I mentioned in my previous post, we'll soon be heading down to London for Martha's next outpatient appointment with her Cardiologist at Great Ormond Street Hospital. I've woken up this morning with the worst feeling ever in my stomach.

It's that feeling when you know something bad is about to happen, the way I only feel when London is on the horizon. We are almost 6-years since our CHD journey began and it hasn't gotten any easier to deal with. While most of the year I can push it to the back of my head, the month of the appointment always sees the anxiety take over with a vengeance.

I'm sat in Cafe Nero in town being a total blogger cliche and I've got my laptop out with my diary and my panad. Today is a day off but I couldn't stay at home, I wasn't feeling housework today. I could watch re-runs of Friends all day, but I've watched them so much that I wouldn't actually need to concentrate on them and my mind would wander to things I don't want to think about.

For the past few years, Mark and I have decided on our best and worst case scenario for how the appointment can go. We decide how we'd deal with them, emotionally, logistically and financially. As long as the results fall somewhere in the middle then we can deal with it. But the thing is - I don't think I can.

The kids have a week of school left until they're off for the Easter Holidays, I have a fair few days off with them and we have tons planned. After everything we've been through I know I'm so lucky that I am able to make plans for Easter Holidays, but I wish we didn't have Martha's next appointment hanging over us this way.

I hate that my life beyond 29th April doesn't exist. This time next month I have no idea how I'll be feeling, what we'll be planning or saving for. I want to be able to book our summer holiday without worrying that it might need to be cancelled.

What I want more than anything is to be any "regular" parent, with the trivial and generic worries that all parents have - I don't want to be worrying about Martha's heart function and pacing settings, whether she has enough battery left in her pacemaker or enough room for growth in her pacing leads.

But I know, whatever the outcome at the end of the month - we'll be guided by some of the best cardiologists and surgeons in the country. We trust them implicitly because, without them, we wouldn't be where we are now.

Whatever the outcome at the end of the month, once again we'll deal with it as a family.

GM
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